Grieving

There should be a statute of limitations on the amount of time we’re allowed to grieve over a failed relationship. Slowly, I am forgetting. He no longer pops up in my head when I go to places we went to together, I no longer feel the urge to pick up the phone and call him when good or bad things happen. It seems weird in a way how easily I’ve managed to purge him from my life. A year ago, this would seem so impossible. Maybe it’s just human to forget the bad things in our lives.

I wouldn’t say I’m happy but neither am I unhappy. I’m just somewhere in a no man’s land of ‘not feeling’. Perhaps it’s a good thing. I just don’t feel all those extreme emotions again. It’s a pretty calm state of affairs.

Jx. I still don’t know what to do about him. When we started out, I told myself that it would be just a little fling to let myself feel better and have someone around to depend on. But in a blink, it’s been 9 months. Marcel told me that we are just kidding ourselves because 9 months and not seeing anybody else? That’s a relationship in his book. I don’t know. Maybe I should just… give myself 3 more months, make it a nice round year and then end it. Cos a year for a fling, that’s a pretty damn long time, isn’t it?

The problem is the resolve to end it. I keep telling myself that I will end it. I will stop seeing him, I will stop anything that leads to ambiguity between us. But I can’t make myself say it when I see him. And when he holds my hand, I can’t make myself pull away. I wish I could. I am a wuss.

I wonder what he feels. He reaches out for my hand more and he’s more affectionate in public. Maybe he’s grown to love me more. But nevertheless, I can’t really let this ambiguous state of affairs remain between the two of us, right? I should be moving on. I should be ready to trust another guy, I should be able to commit. And this fling with him won’t help me do any of those things, right? Sigh.

Anyway, good news: Haku (my dog) has been cleared of everything by the vet on our Saturday review. I’ll no longer have to bring her back for reviews, blood tests, liver checks, skin scrapings, the whole works. I am planning to bring her back in 2-3 months for scaling but that’s a cosmetic procedure and not health-related. You can’t imagine how relieved I was to hear that, I really wanted to cry. Especially when the vet mentioned how she’d thought my baby girl wouldn’t be able to make it when she first went in. I like to think that it’s the power of love as my xiaodi would say. Cos I love her, my family loves her and she loves us. That’s why she clung on to this world. It makes me feel good to think that.