If I could only say that

1 step forward, 2 steps backward

Sometimes it seems like I take 1 step forward, and then I’ll go 2 steps backward.

I keep thinking I’m over him, and then I’m buying fluimucil in the pharmacy, and I hear a song. Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars. I heard this song a lot when I was in the states with X. It was always playing on the car radio, and somehow I’ve associated the damn song with him. It sucks cos I like this song quite a bit. I don’t know. The song started playing.. and my heart flinched. And I remembered the sweet memories we had together there…

I suppose it’s inevitable not to remember. But I just get so tired of it. I’m so tired of him. If there’s ever a chance to go overseas to work, I think I would do it in an instant. Just so that I can be rid of everything to do with him, so that I can put him out of my life.. as easily as he has kicked me out of his life.

I keep struggling with what I have with Jiaxiang. I just can’t be sure anymore. I can’t be sure whether I want him because I truly love him or whether I’m just feeling lonely and needy. Sometimes it feels so right, and sometimes it doesn’t. And yet, I know he will never ask… Do I go on with this because I know nothing will ever happen? Maybe if he would be serious about me, I would not continue with this.

But he touches my heart… he does. I know he cares about me so much. He behaves like a boyfriend.. he comes over to cuddle me when I am sick, he buys me food when I am hungry, he checks on me to make sure I am feeling better… But does he love me? Does he love me enough? I don’t know.

Why is life so confusing?