Don’t even know what I feel
April 11, 2007
He came over on last friday, and then we went out for dinner at cafe cartel. It was … nice. I felt really touched when he hugged me really tight and told me he missed me. He hugged me so tight that I couldn’t breathe, and it felt good to lean against him. And it was the way he cradled my face in his hands…I felt loved. And when I snuggled against his shoulder, he reached for my hand and held it. It was a sweet gesture because he rarely does stuff like that in public.
I don’t know, I just don’t know what it is that we are. I can’t even be sure whether it is love on my side or his side, much less whether exactly we are together or not together, cos sometimes it feels like we are, and sometimes it feels like we aren’t.
I have 2 female colleagues getting married, and sometimes I’m a little envious of the certainty. That there’s someone to call when you’re upset, someone’s place to sleep over, just the certainty of knowing that he is always there. And it is stupid, I know because he has always been there for me whenever I need him to be, he hasn’t ever not been there when I want him to be there, but still I don’t feel certain of him … that he will always be there. I don’t even know if I am making any convoluted sense here at all. But the thought that is always at the back of my mind is that I don’t want to lose him. Don’t want to lose him the way I lost Wenxiang, and so I keep drawing back when I feel like he is getting too close to me. It makes me feel safe, but I also hate that I do it. The thought is depressing. I don’t even know what I feel and what I want. I am a nincompoop.
I casually said that we should go for a holiday together sometime later in the year or next year cos I’m missing out on Bali with the guys, HK with ting dear, and I really want to go on holiday. I joked that he’s prolly not the shopping type, so we should go on a just laze around holiday, and he said okay. He said okay!! A holiday with just the two of us, it kinda constitutes something, right? Or no? Or what? This is all so fucked up I cannot even begin to comprehend what I am doing to myself. Urgh. I am so confused.
If someone were to ask me today whether I am happy with my life, I wouldn’t quite know what to say. Sometimes, it feels like I am just going through the motions of life. I am doing everything that is necessary to live: I eat, I sleep, I work to pay for things. But I don’t feel like I am actually living.
It’s been an emotional rollercoaster all the way from last year, and I guess my emotions are all used up. I just feel really tired… But thank god for a recovering doggie, good friends and of course, his care and concern. She is doing pretty well for now, but I’ll have to bring her for weekly blood tests and liver indexes. She has cost me a bomb, and will continue to cost me a bomb…but I don’t mind it because what she gives me is so much more.
If anything, this incident has made me see through Yknow-who. He is so … self-centred and his love isn’t worth a fart. Someone who professes to love our dog, but can’t find any time to visit her while she’s hospitalised, can’t even bother to come and see her for half an hour after she’s discharged.
You know that Bon Jovi song? He’s that song. “You give love a bad name.” His behaviour to our dog… I can never forgive that in a million years. Because regardless of anything, she was OUR dog. She was OUR little girl. I don’t care how busy he was. If he cared, if he cared anything at all, he would’ve gotten his ass down to the clinic to see her at least once. He is such an inhuman arse.
Right this moment, I just wish I could cuddle up to someone and be spoilt. I miss that. Bleah.
Ting, I saw this on PostSecret..and I think you’d like it:
