Heart, what’re you thinking?

We had a gathering yesterday, and X showed up. I didn’t know he was coming, and I don’t know if I would’ve gone if I’d known he was going. Maybe yes, maybe no. I don’t know. The funny thing is that I felt more awkward with them around than if it’d just been the two of us. Is that weird?

I learnt that he’s been smoking a lot the last 2 weeks, to the point that he carries a lighter around with him. I find that mildly disturbing, and only serves to demonstrate how different we are now. I wanted to say “Smoking’s bad for you, you have sinus problems and it might bring back the asthma”, but I held it back. It’s no longer my place to show this sort of concern for him, it’s his girlfriend who should be saying all that. He’s such a stranger, he’s someone I no longer know. I do wonder though, what his girlfriend is doing. How come he’s so stressed out and exhausted that he needs to smoke to get some relief? He always used to say that talking to me and having sex was the best relief he could ever have, because well I make him laugh, and sex … sex works wonders.

When we left the bar, I just hailed a cab and got into it without asking if he would want to share the cab back. It never even occurred to me to ask even though we’re both west-side kias. It’s been so long, I’ve been used to being the only west-side kia in our group.

And for some reason, I missed jx. I suddenly missed him so much. I missed the cuddling, the snuggling, and the light kisses on the lips. I missed him holding my hand in the cinema, and leaning our heads together. I missed talking about silly little nonsense together, asking him silly questions and getting silly answers. I missed him looking at me and telling me that I’m perfect. I missed getting sweaty together. And so I smsed him and asked if he was free on Wednesday. He didn’t reply till 3am in the morning. I was sleeping, and the sound of the phone beeping woke me up. It was drizzling, cold and breezy. Perfect weather to snuggle together. And at that point in time, I felt myself feeling something more, and it made me unable to fall asleep again. Because I felt confused. I really don’t know what exactly is it that I feel about him. More than friend, but not quite anything else either.

Sometimes, I’m scared. What if I can never love anyone else with all my heart? What if I can never bare my soul again? The door to my tattered heart is locked, and I don’t know where to find the key anymore. I’m a girl with abandonment issues, so scary and damaged I don’t think anyone can ever put me back again.

Pathetic

I had a call from my previous boss, and she asked me about how things were with the X, and I told her the truth. Her immediate reaction was “Poor Wen!” It made me sick. Is this how people see me? It makes me feel small and pathetic. And I hate that. I know my ex-boss so well, and I can just hear her telling the current colleagues “You know Wen? My previous staff? She’s such a poor thing. Her boyfriend cheated on her, lied to her and then dumped her!” It makes me want to cry. Is this the way everybody who learns of it, thinks of me? I hate it! Please don’t! I hate feeling small and pathetic. I hate feeling like a piece of gum stuck to someone else’s shoe. I hate feeling like I’m unwanted. I hate feeling like I’m so ugly, and lousy. I’m not, right? I’m not ugly. I’m not stupid. I’m not pathetic. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not. He says I’m perfect and pretty. He’s right, right? Why is it so hard to believe him? Why did stupid X have to breakup with me in a way that makes me become “Poor Wen”? I so hate hate hate him at this moment.