Jen Amaya – Have You Ever Yearned Another?

Have you ever yearned another
yet the lover had no care
has a tear escaped your eye
yet no more would even dare

does your heart melt with a glance
as you offer up a prayer
when you look into their heart
does your heart yearn to be there

have you wanted them so badly
that your heart would start to bleed
have you tried to say I love you
yet a voice would not proceed

don’t lend your heart to love dear friend
let your tears fall like the rain
a healing heart will break again
and sadness will remain

you’ll ponder thoughts of real love
and wonder if they’re true
pity takes no place in life
upon a heart so blue

grand is love yet merciless
the price to pay is high
a choice to take of love or death
my heart would rather die

never lend your heart to love
you’ll find my words are true
don’t doubt me friend for I should know
I fell in love with you

The End

So this is it. This marks the end of a friendship that goes 9 years back, a relationship that lasted 3 years, 10 months and 17 days.

I thought I was ok, you know? I thought that it’d just be a bit sad, and that would be it. But no, it hurts. It really hurts. I feel like I’ve lost my closest friend, my family, and a huge chunk of my heart. I can’t even begin to describe it.

I know it’s not worth crying over someone who cheated on me, and hurt me over and over again. It’s not worth crying over someone who says he loves me, but didn’t have the decency to even consider my feelings before getting back together with the slut he cheated on me with. I guess all it says is that he’s a selfish person who didn’t know what it was like to love, who didn’t know that loving someone means that you would rather hurt yourself than to hurt that person ever. I know all this, I’m rational and logical. But why does it hurt so much? Why does it hurt so much that I would rather stab myself if it meant that what I’m feeling would go away?

It comes in waves. I’m ok for a while, watching tv or something. Then it suddenly hits, and I miss him. I miss my best friend. I miss the person who would continue my thoughts, who always knew what I was thinking about. I know he said that we’d always be best friends, that he would always be there for me if I need him, that he would take care of me always. But how can that even be possible now? How can I be best friends with the person who’s hurt me so much deliberately? Because yes, it is deliberate. He’s a player. I never would’ve thought it, but yes he is a player.

I am stupid. Stupid beyond all reason.