Emo

So the two of us are really emo now, I broke down and started crying and talking about how crap this whole situation is. All sorts of rubbish. Let’s just blame it all on the jet lag huh. I guess I’m not helping him either with my emo shit, but at least he was trying to comfort me and explain things to me, which kinda helped?

He said that when he comes back, we’ll start all over again. Then when I told him starting all over again means no hugging, no kissing, and definitely no sex, he changed his mind. His idea of starting all over again was an accelerated process where you hold hands in the first hour, hug in the second hour, kiss in the third hour, make out in the next few hours, and then make love at the end of the day. Some kinda courtship that is huh?

Actually, I said something that made me realise something too. I told him that girls hate being lied to, and that the reason why I could never even be friends with weiyang was because he lied to me. So he asked me why I could forgive him for cheating on me, AND lying to me. And I realised that I don’t have an answer to that question. I don’t know why I forgave him, but I know I couldn’t NOT forgive him. Does that make any sense? I don’t know.

I don’t know, yah just give him some time lah huh. And maybe give myself some time to think about my options too.

Home is where the heart is

I’m finally back in Singapore, and I’ve majorly fucked up my adjustment to SG time because I took a nap at 6pm and ended up sleeping all the way until 1am. My body just automatically woke up on its own accord, I guess I’m still on California time.

I honestly don’t know whether going there was a good decision. I could think about breaking up while I was still here. After all, we hadn’t seen each other for so long, and more or less I could cope with not having him around. But now, after seeing him, I find myself falling in love with him all over again. I can’t even begin to understand why.

I really felt very awkward when he picked me up at the airport. I didn’t know how to react, or even how to face him at all. He seemed so strange and so foreign to me, and I was thinking that I didn’t know how I was going to spend 2 weeks with this stranger. He looked so happy to see me, and he just came over and hugged me, and I felt so uncomfortable and wanted to push him away.

We had a lot of talks, a lot of tears (from me), a lot of hugs, a lot of kisses and a lot of love. It’s not possible for me to even describe what I felt over there. We didn’t really take a lot of photos, and I didn’t even see a point in taking photos anyway, all the memories are locked away in my heart. I can remember perfectly clearly how I felt every single day that I spent with him.

It feels so strange to be back here. It doesn’t feel like home, you know? Somehow, the hotel felt more like home than my own home does. I guess that’s why they say home is where the heart is. I miss being able to reach out and caress his face. I did that a lot the last few days before I was supposed to come back. I wanted to memorise caressing his face.

He said a lot of incredibly sweet and meaningful things to me before my flight, and looking into his eyes, I really believed he means every single word he said. He was so silly, he told me that he’d do anything to be able to regain my trust, and that he’d court me all over again when he comes back to Singapore, and we’d start all over again. That’s so silly, we could never wipe away these 4 years we’ve been together, and I wouldn’t want to.

I don’t know whether I can really trust him again, but I sure as hell want to try. No matter what happens, I’ll really treasure the last 2 weeks. They were really the happiest days of my life. I love him so much.