I’m leaving on a jet plane

Just another two days till I leave, and I just feel kinda apprehensive.

Sure I look forward to seeing him again, but I don’t know what I will feel when I see him. The same goes for him, I guess. It’s so easy to pretend nothing happened on the phone, but can we really do that in real life? Will we be lying to ourselves if we try to pretend this episode never happened? People always say that time heals all wounds, and I guess it’s true in a way. I’m no longer as upset anymore, in fact I don’t really think about it anymore. That surprises me. I was so devastated when I learnt about it, I thought I would be better off dead. But a mere 1.5 months down the road, I’m actually feeling ok already.

I have missed him so much, but now the thought of seeing him is just … a little scary. What if I don’t feel the same way anymore? It wouldn’t be the end of the world, but it’d still be pretty devastating. Wish me luck, folks.

I am so confused

I don’t know if I made the right decision. I don’t know if I can trust him again. Now, even when he is late calling me, I start getting paranoid and thinking that something’s happened between the two of them again. When I called him and the line got cut off, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that he cut my call rather than think that his batt ran out.

He forgot our 43 months anniversary. I forgot too. That scares me. How could I have forgotten? And the thing is, it doesn’t even seem to matter anymore. Cos the last 2 months were a lie anyway, a big fat lie.

Can I really go on loving him like this? I’m so tired and sick of myself. I don’t want to be paranoid. I don’t want to always jump to the wrong conclusions. I want to trust him, but how do I do that?

My heart is bruised and battered from loving you, you know? And once in a while, I think maybe it might be better for me to just cut my losses and end this once and for all. But I can’t. Like I told Jiaxiang the other day, even if you do this to me again, I will still forgive you because you mean the world to me. I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to continue with this relationship.

I know you love me. I know I love you so godamned much. I just don’t know if it’s enough.